When Might You Want to be Honest with Friends about Your Financial Constraints

As promised in this post (click to view), I’m now sharing an update on how I have been working to overcome my fear and making efforts talking with my friends about personal finance.

About two months ago, I found myself feeling stressed. It was around back-to-school week, and several of my stay-at-home-mom friends all wanted to get together with me around the same time. And all of them suggested going out for a meal. I felt conflicted. On the one hand, I wanted to say yes to getting together, but my social budget was limited at the time.

Early in 2016 when my husband and I decided on a FI date (financial independence), we became even more conscious about money and spending. Prior to that, like many of my peers I looked forward to every social gathering where food and drinks were involved. I’ve always been a foodie, and hanging out with friends over delicious food was my idea of a great time. However, once my husband and I decided on a FI date, I drastically changed my spending habits and my views on spending in general. And not all of my friends are aware of this new change yet.

For that same reason, I struggled. I didn’t want to make up excuses to decline the invitations. I was concerned that this drastic change in behavior might have my friends thinking I was no longer interested in spending time with them (I used to say yes to dining out almost always.). I didn’t want my friends to think I was rejecting them. And if I were to share with them my lack of desire to do social spending, would I make them feel uneasy? How would my friends feel about the changes I’ve made in my life recently (where spending is concerned)? Will my friends support me? I had all these concerns and questions in my head. I really wanted to avoid social awkwardness!

money constraints girlfriend to girlfriend money chat

One night as I was in bed having trouble falling asleep, I remembered my own advice that I gave myself (see this post and this post)—be honest with my friends about my financial situation (the constraints in this case) and be the first to share. At that moment, it suddenly occurred to me that I wouldn’t know how my friends would react unless I be upfront and honest with them. I haven’t given my friends a chance to hear about my new life, my new normal, and yet, I was already doubting my friends and our friendship. I was certainly not being fair to my friends.

The following day I got on the phone and spoke with the friends who sent me invitations. I wanted to share with them in person about the new changes in my life recently. Even though I didn’t want to do social spending, I still wanted to get together with my friends and let them know that I care about them and still want to maintain the friendships. So instead of saying yes to their dining out invitations, I suggested free get-together activities that also allowed ample opportunities to chat. With the friend that liked to run, we arranged a time to go for a jog. With the friend that liked arts and history, I suggested we go to a museum on one of the upcoming free admission dates. And just like that, over a period of two weeks I met up with five friends and didn’t spend a penny!

When my friend, Diane, and I met up, she was actually thankful that I suggested a free activity for us to do together (Diane gave me permission to share this on the blog). During our time together, I learned that she recently started saving money to finish her graduate degree, and she was trying very hard to stick to a budget. As I was listening to Diane, I took advantage of the opportunity and started sharing with her some of the things I’ve been doing recently with regard to money. By the end of the get together, Diane and I had a very honest money chat. We talked about budgeting, what our money priorities are and our financial goals.

That enriching experience with Diane helped me release the pressure that I needed to maintain a certain appearance with my friends. And I felt encouraged taking on the same challenge with my other friends. By being honest with my friends about my financial constraints, they came to understand the real reason why I no longer show up at most of the dining out gatherings. By allowing myself to be vulnerable with my friends, I’ve been offering them opportunities to chime in and talk about their money struggles and financial goals, too.

Along the way, I’ve discovered that some of my friends are actually very money savvy (!!!) and some of them love talking about personal finance (!!!). Then, there are some who have been having money struggles for a while and really appreciated the opportunity to share and discuss those struggles with a friend. And then there’re those who are interested in learning about personal finance, but unwilling to take those first steps themselves. They need a strong nudge. This whole experience has been amazing for me so far. By opening up, I realized how much more I have to offer as a friend. The feedback I’ve been getting from my friends has been that when I opened up to them about my financial constraints, I have made it easier and less weird for them to chime in and talk about their situations, too.

Readers, I hope this post has inspired you to work up the courage within you and start being honest with your friends about your financial constraints (when you do have them). Don’t ever feel pressured to keep up your spending in line with your peers. Your true friends will support you and your decisions.